animula vagula blandula

Sunday, July 23, 2006

Corporate America. Could it be...Satan?!

I've worked for huge companies, medium-sized ones, smallish ones---and they are all evil. All run by the devil's excel spreadsheet-crazed minions. At my last job I led this Dilbertesque cubicle-bound existence, barely ever seeing the light of day. And all for what? My once a year 3% raise.

"You have meddled with the primal forces of nature, Mr. Beale, and I won't have it. Is that clear? You think you merely stopped a business deal. That is not the case. The Arabs have taken millions of dollars out of this country, and now they must put it back. It is ebb and flow, tidal gravity. It is ecological balance. You are an old man, who thinks in terms of nations, and peoples. There are no nations, there are no peoples, there are no Russians, there are no Arabs, there are no Third Worlds; there is no West. There is only one holistic system of systems. One vast and interwoven, interacting, multi-variant, multi-national dominion of dollars. Petro-dollars, electro-dollars, multi-dollars, Reichmarks, Rubles, Pounds and Sheckles. "

from the movie

Friday, July 21, 2006

AA Makes Me Thirsty

It started with a bang and ended with a whimper.
Now, cosmo within easy reach I might be headed for my third rehab in five years. The past twelve months have been a blur of mental hospitals, losing a job, increasing dosages of meds, and just get the picture.

Mental illness isn't pretty. Days will go by and I won't get out of bed, let alone leave my flat. Couple that with an eating disorder, and add a *dollop* of alcohol issues. It's quite a recipe.

At first I thought AA was the answer, that the 12 Steps would at least address my addictions and more or less allow me to manage my life. For a while it worked. That is until the AA Nazi assholes at my local meetings
started messing with my head with their doctrinaire ways and their orthodoxy. I often felt like I was at a fucking tent revival somewhere in the South, with all their talk of God and Jesus.

So I started to drink again. I don't believe that a Higher Power or a God of my understanding can relieve me of my desire to drink. Another contributing factor in my overall TSP disillusionment was the fact that a few of my friends in program distanced themselves from me as my mental illness became worse. So much for AA's wonderful fellowship.

But maybe I do need to admit to the real deal: I wanted to drink more than I wanted to stay sober. And maybe one day, if things get bad enough, I'll be walking through AA's doors again, feeling very sheepish indeed.