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Friday, July 21, 2006

AA Makes Me Thirsty

It started with a bang and ended with a whimper.
Now, cosmo within easy reach I might be headed for my third rehab in five years. The past twelve months have been a blur of mental hospitals, losing a job, increasing dosages of meds, and just get the picture.

Mental illness isn't pretty. Days will go by and I won't get out of bed, let alone leave my flat. Couple that with an eating disorder, and add a *dollop* of alcohol issues. It's quite a recipe.

At first I thought AA was the answer, that the 12 Steps would at least address my addictions and more or less allow me to manage my life. For a while it worked. That is until the AA Nazi assholes at my local meetings
started messing with my head with their doctrinaire ways and their orthodoxy. I often felt like I was at a fucking tent revival somewhere in the South, with all their talk of God and Jesus.

So I started to drink again. I don't believe that a Higher Power or a God of my understanding can relieve me of my desire to drink. Another contributing factor in my overall TSP disillusionment was the fact that a few of my friends in program distanced themselves from me as my mental illness became worse. So much for AA's wonderful fellowship.

But maybe I do need to admit to the real deal: I wanted to drink more than I wanted to stay sober. And maybe one day, if things get bad enough, I'll be walking through AA's doors again, feeling very sheepish indeed.


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